He Is Moon Moon
by variia
Summary: The students realize that they can have fun with Professor Lupin's name and get points from Professor Snape for it. Hogwarts unites for the first time in centuries, all for the sake of the House Cup and accidentally end up saving the world in the process. Crack Fic.


**Chapter 1: In Which Bets Are Made**

In September of 1993, Hogwarts welcomed a new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor as it's had to do every year for the past fifty years because of a curse on the position (or as known by Headmaster Dumbledore, because Lord Voldemort is a little bitch who decided that we can't have nice things.)

The new professor, one Remus John Lupin, was a little __different__ from his predecessors, he's a werewolf you see and he possesses an unfortunately apt name.

Sirius Black, currently on the run and former friend of Professor Lupin, had brought his name in relation to his affliction up only once. The fallout from that comment, known as "Wow-Lupin-Actually-Has-A-Spine of 1972" (not to be confused with the Incident of "Wow-Lupin-Actually-Has-A-Spine of 1976"), has not been spoken of by the residents of Hogwarts of that time period since, not even Peeves. Because Remus Lupin may be a mild-mannered man, but there are some things you Do Not Mention, Sirius.

Unfortunately for Professor Lupin, a fifth year Ravenclaw noted his weird name when he was introduced at the Welcoming Feast of 1993 and mentioned it to her Hufflepuff boyfriend.

And that's where our story begins.

* * *

Cedric Diggory and Cho Chang are snuggling in an alcove before they have to go back to their Common Rooms after the Welcoming Feast.

Cedric pulls Cho closer, "Did you have any problems with the Dementors?"

Cho hesitates, "Some."

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks in concern.

Cho sniffles, "It was awful, it was so cold and I thought I'd die of it." she pauses, "The worst part is I saw things."

Cedric stiffens, "What things?"

Cho bursts into tears, "I've been treating Loo—" she cuts herself off, "I've been treating Luna so horrible!"

"Luna?" he asks in confusion.

"Luna Lovegood!"

Cedric frowns, "My neighbor Luna?"

"Yes!"

"How have you been treating her?"

"Calling her names, taking and hiding her things, ripping up her homework, making sure she can't get in the Common Room." she confesses quietly.

Cedric pulls away and stares at Cho like he's never seen her before, "Why?"

"I don't know!" she wails. "The Dementors made me realize that I've been so mean to her for no reason."

"Why were you picking on her in the first place?" he asks angrily.

"Because I thought she didn't deserve to be in Ravenclaw."

"The Hat put her in Ravenclaw for a reason, Cho." Cedric tells her sternly.

"I know and now I don't know what to do." she admits tearfully.

Cedric conjures a handkerchief and hands it to Cho, "You apologize, then never do it again and make sure no one else does either."

Cho grabs the handkerchief and scrubs her face of her tears, then nods forcefully. "You're right and I'm going to do that _right now_."

Cedric smiles and hugs her, "That's the Cho I know."

She sends him a quick smile as she hugs him back. "Will you walk me back to the Common Room?"

"Of course." he agrees.

Cedric pulls away and grabs Cho's hand. They walk hand-in-hand in comfortable silence for a few minutes.

Cedric breaks the silence reluctantly, "What were you giggling about when Professor Lupin was introduced?"

Cho giggles, "Oh, his name!"

"His name?" he asks in bewilderment.

"Yeah, his name is basically Wolf Wolf."

Cedric snorts, "Like the Slytherin that graduated last year that was Moon Moon?"

Cho giggles harder, "Yes!"

He chuckles, "Oh man, that's funny."

"I know!"

Their laughter is dying off when they make eye contact and they start laughing again. They repeat that a few more times before finally settling down when they get to the bottom of the staircase leading up to Ravenclaw Tower.

Cho looks up the stairs nervously, fiddling with the handkerchief. Cedric wraps an arm around her shoulder, "You can do it, Cho."

Cho nods, gives Cedric a quick hug, stiffens her spine, and marches up the stairs.

* * *

Cedric frowns at the barrels leading to the Common Room in thought. ' _I promised Luna's parents I'd keep an eye on her and I've slacked off since she started Hogwarts because I thought her housemates would do it._ '

He clenches his fists in anger and glares at the barrels. Cedric closes his eyes then breathes out slowly, letting out his anger. He eyes snap open and squares his shoulders. ' _I won't slack off again._ ' He promises.

Cedric knocks on the barrels to the Common Room then strides in when the top opens.

"Hey, Captain! Have fun with Chang?"

Cedric rolls his eyes at the catcalls that comment stirs up.

"Hope you're ready to be up **nice and early** tomorrow, Ant." he calls out to his teammate.

The rest of the team turns and glares at him.

Anthony pales, "Oh, shit biscuits."

"You dumbass." Heidi groans in despair.

Malcolm thumps his head on the table, "I was looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow, you dickhead!"

Cedric chuckles and makes his way to the table where the prefects are sitting in much higher spirits. He plops down in the only open chair, "Hey guys, what'd I miss?"

"Not much, we just got the firsties settled. How's Cho?" the seventh year prefect Gabriel asks.

"The Dementors really shook her up but she's fine now." he answers.

Gabriel nods, "Glad she's fine."

Cedric hums, "How's everyone handling the Dementors?"

"Those things are _horrible_!"

The prefects jump, they turn around to see most of the House around them.

"Yeah! What's the Minister even thinking?"

"He's not," Susan answers drily, "Dad told me that Aunt Amelia wanted to send Aurors to guard the school and Harry, but that Umbridge woman convinced him that the Dementors would be better because 'the Aurors have better things to do.'"

" _ _ **WHAT**__?!" everyone shouts in outrage.

Susan nods, "Yep, Aunt Amelia is __furious__."

"But can't Dumbledore do something?" one of the new first years asks fearfully.

Maxine gets up and hugs the firstie, "I'm afraid not Harley, I talked to Professor Sprout and she said that the Board of Governors overruled him. He isn't happy but there's nothing he can do."

Harley sniffles and clings to Maxine. Hannah looks around at the sea of fearful faces, "Is there anything __we__ can do?" she asks angrily.

"There's a spell that you can use against the Dementors called the Patronus Charm," Gabriel answers, "but it's very advanced, past N.E.W.T.-level advanced. I've started practicing it but I can only make a silver mist."

Ernie perks up, "We can ask Professor Lupin to teach us! He's the Defense teacher so he should know!"

Cedric snorts, then claps his hand over his mouth. Maxine turns to him and raises her eyebrow at him, "Something you wanna share, Ced?"

He grins sheepishly and scratches the back of his head, "Sorry, something Cho said."

Megan looks at him unimpressed, "We're having a serious conversation and you're laughing at something Cho said."

"It was about his name." he answers defensively.

"His name?" Anthony asks in confusion.

"Remus Lupin is Wolf Wolf." Cedric tells him before chuckling.

Megan facepalms as the people around her start giggling. Herbert leans forward grinning, "Like Moon Moon?"

"Exactly like Moon Moon!"

The laughter gets louder at Cedric's answer.

"I wonder if anyone has called him Wolf Wolf?" Wayne asks.

"Probably when he was younger." Maxine muses.

"I'm gonna call him Professor Moon." Susan declares.

"Why Moon and not Wolf?" Megan asks.

"'Cause wolves howl at the moon and it'll confuse him." she answers.

Zacharias rolls his eyes, "I bet you won't."

Susan narrows her eyes, "Oh yeah? How much?"

"Five galleons and you have to make up a new name each time." Zacharias ignores the mutters of 'That poor sucker.' and 'Doesn't he know that you don't bet against a Bones?'

"You're on."

And they shake on it.

Cedric groans, "Guys, no betting!"

"Too late!" Gabriel says cheerfully with the aura of "Not-My-Problem".

* * *

Susan is standing nervously in the Staff Room waiting her turn to face the Boggart. She glances nervously to where Professor Snape is grading papers. Just as she's about to lose her courage to win the bet against Smith she sees him out of the corner of her eye. He sneers at her. She glares and gathers her courage.

"Susan, it's your turn." Professor Lupin calls out.

"Yes, Professor Moon." she answers as she steps forward.

"Pardon?" he asks in bewilderment.

"I said 'Yes, Professor Moon'." Susan bites her lip as she hears the poorly suppressed laughter of her classmates and Professor Snape's snort.

"I heard you the first time Susan, why are you calling me Professor Moon?"

"Because you are Moon Moon."

Professor Snape bursts out laughing.

"What."

"Well, your name is basically Wolf McWolf and wolves howl at the moon..." she trails off as Professor Lupin's eye twitches and Professor Snape's laughter gets louder.

"Then wouldn't you be calling me Professor Wolf?" Professor Lupin asks like he can't help himself.

"Thanks for the permission, Professor Wolf!" Susan says cheerfully to the snorts of her classmates.

"Susan, that wasn't permission. Severus, stop laughing."

"You wanna be the cool teacher. So you get a nickname, Professor Wolfy McMoony."

"You're being ridiculous. Severus, __stop laughing__ _._ "

"Don't you mean Riddikulus?" Megan asks innocently.

Professor Lupin throws his hands in the air. "I give up. Class dismissed."

"50 points to Hufflepuff!" Professor Snape says through his laughter.

"Severus, __really__?" Professor Lupin asks in despair as the Hufflepuffs cheer.

"Thanks for letting class out early, Professor Wolfy." calls out Justin as they leave.

"20 more points to Hufflepuff."

Professor Lupin groans as the Hufflepuffs all grin at each other.

(Except for Zacharias, 'cause he's a dick and five galleons poorer. Never bet against a Bones.)

* * *

"Did you hear that Professor Snape gave __50 points__ to **Hufflepuff**?" Fred tells Alicia as Harry, Ron, and Hermione sit down for lunch.

"What." Harry and Ron ask in disbelief.

"Yes," Hermione answers, "and they actually earned 70 points."

The table stares at her. "How did you know that?" George asks.

"Megan Jones and Wayne Hopkins were talking about it in Arithmancy." she explains as she starts grabbing food.

Lee leans forward, "How did they get Snape to give them that many points?"

Hermione rolls her eyes as everyone leans forward, "According to Megan, Cho Chang mentioned to Cedric Diggory how Professor Lupin's name is Wolf Wolf."

"Like that Slytherin who's Moon Moon?" Angelina asks.

The table snorts in unison.

" _Yes,_ like Moon Moon." Hermione replies, "As I was saying, Cedric mentioned it to the Hufflepuffs and Susan Bones said she was going to call him 'Professor Moon' and Zacharias Smith bet her she wouldn't."

Harry and Hermione look at each other in confusion when the people around them wince.

"Why are you wincing?" Harry asks curiously.

"Never bet against a Bones. They always win." Neville answers, "My Great-Uncle Algie lost a 100 galleons to Susan's dad a couple of years ago."

"That's nothing," Ginny scoffs, "Dad said that Abraxas Malfoy lost ten Abraxans to Hector Bones back in the 70s."

"You all should be eating, not gossiping." Percy tells them, reaching over to grab a roll.

"Don't be such a downer Perce." Fred grouses.

Percy narrows his eyes, then leans forward, "Well, __I__ heard that Professor Dumbledore lost his favorite chess set to Edgar Bones before he was killed."

Everyone stares at him in shock. "No way," Ron says in awe. "Even Dumbledore lost to them?"

Percy nods, "Yes, Mum told me."

"That was... informative." Hermione says.

"My apologies, Hermione, continue with what you were saying." Percy says sheepishly.

"Right, where was I?" Hermione pauses, "Oh, right. So, Smith bet Bones 5 galleons that she wouldn't and then upped it so that she had to make up a new name each time she talked to him. Well, during Defense today she called him Professor Moon, Professor Wolf, and Professor Wolfy McMoony." she says in mild disapproval.

"What does that have to do with Snape though?" Ron bursts out.

"I was getting to that, Ron." she huffs. "They were in the Staff Room because that's where the Boggart is and Professor Snape just happened to be there." Hermione hesitates, "Apparently, Professor Snape found it funny."

"Snape finds things funny?" Harry asks blankly.

"Megan said he was laughing and awarded Susan 50 points, then gave Justin 20 points for calling Professor Lupin, Professor Wolfy as they were leaving."

Fred and George glance at each other, "I wonder if Snape will give us points if we do that?" they muse.

Everyone looks at each other. Ron rubs his chin, "We could win the House Cup. Make sure the Slytherins don't get it."

"Well, Leanne said that Susan said that she's gonna keep doing it to spite Smith." Katie tells them.

"I bet I can earn more points than all of you." says Percy.

George and Fred gasp in shock. Everyone else stares at him in disbelief.

"What?" he asks mildly.

"Who are you and what have you done with our brother?" Ginny asks in astonishment.

"I know how to have fun," he grumbled, "I just think this would be a way to have fun that has nothing to do with pranking."

The group "Ohhs". Fred leans forward eagerly. "So, we do it?"

"Hell yeah." affirms Alicia.

"The Cup is ours." Neville says firmly.

* * *

Blaise eyes the Gryffindor table warily, "The Lions are planning something."

Millicent looks up from her meal, "Lions can plan?" she asks blankly.

"They're probably going to try to take advantage of what happened in Defense today." Daphne sighs.

"Those Puffs are lying." Draco says stubbornly, "Professor Snape doesn't laugh."

"Yes, you've only said that about twenty times." complains Tracey.

"So, we take advantage of it first."

They stare at Theodore is surprise.

"What?" he snaps.

"You usually don't say anything," Blaise says slowly.

Theodore shrugs, "Don't want the Lions to win the Cup, **again**."

He jumps in surprise when he's clapped on the shoulder. Adrian sits forward, "Glad one of you is using their brain. If Professor Snape gave 70 points to the Puffs, imagine what he'll give to his Snakes?"

His grin is shark-like and so are the ones that answer him.

"We're going to win."

* * *

Cho covers her face in embarrassment as her housemates make plans to earn points like the Hufflepuffs. "When I mentioned what I realized about Professor Lupin's name to Cedric, I didn't think it would lead to something like this."

Luna pats her on the shoulder absently, "There, there. It'll be okay."

"Stop touching Cho, Loony." Marietta sneers.

Cho jerks her head up and glares at her, "Don't you call her that!" she snaps.

Marietta glares back, "Why are you defending her?! And why have you been so nice to her lately?!"

"Because picking on her is wrong!"

"You didn't care last year!"

"Well, I care now!"

"Why?! It's not like she deserves to be in Ravenclaw! Just look at her!"

They look over to at Luna, who's humming and making a volcano out of her mashed potatoes.

"She deserves to be in Ravenclaw just as much as we do!" Cho says firmly.

Marietta opens her mouth to retort but is interrupted.

"Alright, enough. No fighting in the Great Hall." Penelope scolds.

Marietta huffs, gets up and flounces away.

"Sorry, Penelope." Cho says softly.

"It's fine, just keep it in the Common Room."

"Yes, Penelope."

Penelope sits down in Marietta's vacant seat, "Do you want to tell me what all that was about?"

Cho fidgets with her silverware. "Marietta and I haven't been nice to Luna." she confesses in shame.

Penelope stiffens in anger. "Oh?" she asks calmly. Too calmly. Cho cringes, Penelope doesn't get mad often but when she does she's been known to scare even Peeves.

"I, well, um, the Dementors made me realize that what I was doing was wrong. That I've been horrible, that I've been a _bully._ And-and I confessed to Cedric what I'd been doing because I didn't know what to do and he told me I should apologize, never do it again and make sure it never happens again. So I promised myself that I would do just that. Except Marietta doesn't understand." she blurts out.

"I see." Penelope says. "Luna, what's your opinion?"

Luna looks up in surprise, "My opinion on what?"

"On Cho apologizing to you."

Luna blinks, "Oh. It's very nice. No one's ever apologized for being mean to me before."

"And you're not angry?" Penelope presses.

"Should I be?" she asks in bemusement, "She apologized."

"As long as you're sure." Penelope turns to Cho, "we'll go talk to Professor Flitwick about your punishment later."

Cho winces but nods in agreement.

"Pudding?" Luna offers in the wake of the mildly awkward silence.

"Yes, please."

* * *

"Did you have to give out points for that Severus?" Remus asks long-sufferingly.

"I'm just encouraging our students' creativity, Lupin." Severus says with a disturbing amount of cheer. Remus cringes, he hasn't heard Severus sound so cheery since the aftermath of the Catnip Incident of 1977.

Minerva's lips twitch, "Well, I think you'll have to get used to it pretty soon Remus."

"What do you mean?" he questions.

"With the grins on Misters Weasley and Mister Jordan's faces, I think they're going to be trying their hand at what the Hufflepuff's pulled soon enough." she answers as she gestures at the Gryffindor table.

"My Snakes look like they're going to try as well." Severus mentions gleefully.

"As do my Ravens." notes Filius.

"My Badgers are never going to let it go." Pomona adds.

Albus chuckles, "Lighten up, my boy. It's all in good fun."

Remus places his head in his hands.

"Looks like all those pranks you played as a student are coming back to bite you." Severus comments blithely.

Remus groans in despair.

* * *

 **AN:** I have no excuse. I should be working on Fangs but Writer's Block is a Bitch. So you get this instead! Inspired by all those memes about Remus' name.

23 JULY 2018 - Fixed formatting and tense issues and such.


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